Need some advice
 
I have been in an ‘unclear’ relationship with a tomboy for about5-6 years. Lately, a guy who is younger than me for a couple years confessed tome and due to some stupid yet unknown reason, I agreed to go on trial dates with him,despite the fact that I still haven’t sorted out my relationship with thetomboy, and that he knew.
 
I thought a trial date means nothing happens and just hangout, get to know each other a bit better before committing. Don’t know if it isbecause it’s his first relationship, he was a bit possessive and had alreadytreated me as his real girlfriend when we met up (no matter with a group ofpeople or just 2 of us). During the ‘dates’, he was being really protective andcaring, he hugged me, held my hand and kissed me on my temples (thank god notlips yet!). But I was acting a bit cold as I am still not sure of my feelingsto him.
 
I could not let go of the tomboy cause I really did andstill do love her. Yet this might be a good chance for me to try out on guys. Iknew I am a bi but just wanna know that if I actually like guys (sometimes theydisgust me).
 
I was planning to tell him that this doesn’t work but 1. Iwas scared to lose and hurt this friend; 2. The tomboy is still a huge unknownfactor; 3. When should I tell him the truth or shall I give him a few morechances before I jump into a conclusion that we can’t be together?
 
Thanks for all those that talked to me about this before butI’m still struggling.
 
P.S.: I can read Chinese but can’t type. So if anyone wouldreply to this post with Chinese, I would very much appreciate it. 

oh and if anyone would like to give a reply without anyone knowing, you guys can pm me. thanks

其實...本人英文唔好...睇英文好眼訓...

I think you are having trial dates that are not a problem.....At least you are trying to solve out the "real" feeling with that TB and you two are just in “unclear relationship; but, I think u should set up a time limit for you to try out with that guy and make the final decision. I know you have the right to make yr own choice, but plz don't waste other time.
For a man to chase a girl, it is quite common to treat the girl as best as possible. Once you feel uncomfortable, you should reject and protect yrself.

Seems you don't love the guy.
Refer to your passage, you mentioned you still love the tb,
so no matter what you do the guy will feel hurt if he truly loves you,
unless you can left the tb behind and start a relationship with him,
but seems you can't do that.
If I were you I may choose to tell the guy honestly instead of pretend anything,
it is fair, to you and to him.
If he still date you, then it is his own choice.

To be honest I think the most important thing is to sort out the unclear relationship with the tomboy first, why is there a unclear problem, can it be sorted? if you say is only been going on for a few months is very simple to just leave it, but for 5/6years is obviousness you really love this tomboy, but sometimes doesn't how much two people love each other if two people don't try to solve the problem together is still useless, you already got an answer in your post who is in your heart.

As for the trail l think you didn't mind trying it in the first place is because your looking to see would you get a feeling from this guy that you don't get or want to get from the tomboy, have a chance to try guys out, also having someone to treat us good a lot of people would say why not, is selfish but most important is are you happy when you hang around with this guy? do you miss the tomboy when your with him? how do you feel when he is caring to you and kiss you on the fore head? do you feel lonely or happy more after spending the day with the guy? I think it doesn't matter if you date a guy or a girl, the most important is who is the one in your heart and you love, your heart won't lie to you about.

sorry if I say too much, best of luck with you and hope you will get an answer soon.

p.s you said you don't want to hurt the guy, but in this case one person must get hurt no matter what your choice is and what you do, so if you want to do it the nice way and bring the pain down I think give a straight clear answer is the best way.

I have been in an ‘unclear’ relationship with a tomboy for about5-6 years.....
..... due to some stupid yet unknown reason, I agreed to go on trial dates with him....

I think you're not reallly love/like that gay... so tell him you're not love him will be okay, if i were u, I won't tell him I'm bi...

I think you need to sit down and think the relationship with ur TB. What do you mean "unclear" relationship.... form your heart... you're not really accept les?

Don't worry. Thanks for checking the post tho

[ 本帖最後由 Michi 於 2012-8-15 09:41 編輯 ]

妳o係未處理好同個B既關係既前提下去同另一個人嘗試發展, 咁算唔算係出軌?
我唔明點解一個 ‘unclear’ relationship 可以 keep 到5-6年
有心既話一早處理好, 去或留都係一個決定, 拖拖拉拉唔會有好結果

對個男仔又係咁, 唔清唔楚, 咁樣對待感情我覺得好有問題
咩怕hurt到人都係藉口, 既然唔岩點解要拖住人俾人假希望?
拖得越耐對方付出越多, 咁樣唔係對佢更唔公平咩?

I am not good at using English but I try my best to present my points.  There are a few contradict points in the post.  You have an "unclear" relationship with a tomboy for a few years.  On the other hand, you have had dating with a younger guy for a few times.  He treated you as his real gf, e.g. hold your hands, hugged you and even kissed your temples.  It is a bit strange!  You just want to see if you can accept him.  But from your behavior, you may deliver wrong message to him that you have accepted.  You were allowed him to hold your hands, hugged you and kissed your temples.  

Human being behavior is a strong reflection of our deep thinking and intention.  If you don't really want or accept him, you may not allow him to do so.  Or actually you are in relationship with him.  This is a doubt in my mind.  Some people may enjoy in "unclear" relationship because they want to escape responsibility in a clear and concrete relationship.

My personal advice is clear your mind first and ask what you want and to be instead of waste their time and your time.

Thanks for your advice, Anita. I was to see if he suits me on thosetrial dates. But now I think there are too much restrictions in Hong Kong andthat he is leaving for UK this Saturday, so do you think it is wise to give himanother chance or two when both of us are in UK?

First of all, thanks for your advice. If you ask me tocompare my feelings to the tb and the guy, I will certainly say I love the tbmore than the guy. I am thinking of a way to tell the guy that, but well Ican’t bring myself to say that cause 1. I don’t think I could base a judgmenton 2 dates. 3. When I think of telling him and hurting him, I break down intears cause I’m scare to lose a good friend, though before I agreed to go outwith him, he say we will be friends no matter what. But you know, guys couldsay anything when they are after a girl, I guess. And true that I can’t justleave the tb behind no matter what. </3

Just say cause we have a lot to take into considerations, wegone through gossips and found not to care about how others think, then somehowmaybe we were happy at those times when it’s not a clear relationship yet weare committed to each other, but now it’s a bit complicated when everything isnot simple as a fairytale (ie we are not studying in the same country). LastChristmas, we were to be honest, but (sigh) just before she was to confess,somehow the topic of ‘family’ was brought us and left us in misery. Cause weknew both our families will not accept this relationship, though in some ways,they knew already and not much obvious objections were made. We agreed that weshould think about this problem before we jump into anything. She gave me thechoice yet knowing that I’m completely indecisive and still hanging on a threadright now. I tried but really have no courage to tell her how I feel, likeliterally in words.
 
I’m happy with him when I treat him as a friend, but I gotensed when he treat me like his girlfriend. I feel sorry for him most of thetime knowing that he had me in his heart while I had the tb in mine. I feelsafe at the same time, not used to it, not to the extend of uncomfortable but Iguess I’d like to take it slowly, though I do appreciate the fact that he iswilling to show me that he loved me. I certainly felt a bit guilty afterspending the entire day with him, especially the fact that I did not stop himfrom treating me like his girlfriend as I don’t think we are lovers yet. But Ido feel happy when someone was there to care about me. I know it sounds reallymean and heartless, but I did ask myself whether I love him to be with him orthe fact that I’m scared to be left alone once again to agree to go on dateswith him.
 
Don’t worry you are notsaying too much, thanks a lot for asking and letting me think. 

[ 本帖最後由 Michi 於 2012-8-15 11:13 編輯 ]

When he asked me out, he said he knew I haven’t let go ofthe tb but he was willing to help me and thus wanted to go out with me. (I knowit’s a lame reason to ask a girl out)
 
I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him in the face, I feellike as if I’m stabbing him in his heart, and that hurts me to know I hurt agood friend.
 
I very much appreciate that I’m a bi, and no doubt I acceptles whole-heartedly, and by all means. It’s just I think cause it has been 5-6years and confessing might break this friendship and I knew I couldn’t livewithout this friendship of hers.
 
Again, thanks for youradvice. 

But if u go out with a friend, 'coz u pity him that may even hurt him more.

[ 本帖最後由 Bay 於 2012-8-15 11:26 編輯 ]

Actually that was what I’m thinking about as well, cause Ido think it is a kind of cheating, and thus wanted to stop it. Yet I have madea idiotic choice.
 
Well, in some ways it’s not unclear due to the fact that weboth know the answer but just haven’t clarify it. I made it clear 3-4 years agothat I’m staying with the tb, but it is the tb that gave me fizzy response likesending me signals that she wanna be with me, then asking my sister to get hera gf. It is actually tearing me apart, like she said asking my sis to find hera gf is just a joke between them but then she still keep on talking about thatwith my sis.
 
If I tell him face to face, will he be more upset or throughphone conversation would be better. Cause I am pretty much determined to breakit off with him.
 
Thanks for your advice andtelling me off for that reason. I will be reflecting on how I treatrelationships. 

I knew he might take it the wrong way, thus the first fewtimes, I did withdraw myself from him. But seems like he didn’t take the hinteither. Thus trapped me between his arms, and I froze.
 
I used to enjoy this ‘unclear relationship’ with the tbespecially the first few years. But now I think it had been too long to be an ‘unclear’relationship and that we have sort of talked about it last Christmas. I wish Icould have a clear answer yet all her responses are two-headed arrows. Shewanted me to have a choice, while she knew I’m pretty indecisive and she nevertell me how she thinks. I’m not placing the blame on her but I’m just inmisery.
 
I’m really to break it off with the guy asap. Would anyoneknow how should I make it easier for him?
 
Thanks for your advice 

Initially, I only thought that it would be mean to him if i never give him a chance. Now I regret it..

To put it in layman term, there is no easy way to dump someone.